MOLLY MISS BUSY!!!!!!!!

XOXOXOXO.........WITHOUT YOU

2011-12-21T11:01:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been quite the year. I haven't had time to blog in forever! Sometimes, I hardly have time to pee....literally. In a nutshell, there's one thing that comes to mind during this holiday season that makes my heart smile. My husband and I are quickly approaching a special anniversary, the date we were engaged. Over the last year, we’ve had our fair share of major ups and downs. As a couple, we’ve experienced some of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Especially this past year with many moments that truly tested our commitment to one another, we somehow always find a way to get through the tough times and come out of it together,stronger. When the dust finally settles and all is said and done, there is one thing I know for sure – as Usher sings it best with David Guetta, I have a few words for my husband:

“I won’t run

I won’t fly

I would never make it by

Without you…

I am lost

I am vain

I will never be the same

Without you…

I can’t win

I can’t reign

I WILL NEVER WIN THIS GAME…

Without you.

xoxoxoxo

THE KEEPER.......ALWAYS "MOM"!!!

2011-02-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

Can someone tell me why it is the Mom’s job to know where everything is at all times? Not just for the kids – but for men too.

What goes through the minds of men, anyway?

Can’t find your shoes? Ask Mom. She’ll want to look at you like you’re crazy for even asking know where they are.

Keys? Ask Mom. She was, after all, the last person to have – oh, wait … she never has any reason to ever have YOUR keys in her possession. The hell with it. Ask her anyways. Even better – get mad when she doesn’t know where they are. That should be a good time.

Do they think I have a tiny little Lo-Jack system on every piece of anything they come into contact with on a daily basis? Do they think I have really hid the object in question and am just waiting until I think they’ve looked hard enough before I give their things back? Has it ever, I wonder, even crossed their minds that I can barely keep track of my own keys and my own shoes?

Probably not. Because I’m the Mom. I am the know all, do all, finding machine.

I think, tomorrow? I really will hide all of the shoes and keys. That should be a good time.

Thinking of having kids? Do this 15 step program first!

2011-02-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

Lesson 1:

Go to the grocery store.

Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

Go home.

Pick up the paper.

Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2:

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
Methods of discipline.

Lack of patience.

Appallingly low tolerance levels.

Allowing their children to run wild.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3:

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

Set the alarm for 3AM.

As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

Go to bed at 2:45AM.

Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4:

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…

Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

Then rub them on the clean walls.

Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5:

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.

Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.

Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson 7:

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 8:

Get ready to go out.

Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.

Go out the front door.

Come in again. Go out.

Come back in.

Go out again.

Walk down the front path.

Walk back up it.

Walk down it again.

Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.

Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.

Retrace your steps.

Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9:

Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.

Lesson 10:

Go to the local grocery store.

Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.

Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 11:

Hollow out a melon.

Make a small hole in the side.

Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

Lesson 12:

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking, What are those? Exactly the point.)

Lesson 13:

Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.

Lesson 14:

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15:

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

PARENT JOB DESCRIPTION

2010-10-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

PARENT - Job Description

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,

permanent work in an

often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication

and organizational skills and be willing to work

variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends

and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to

primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,

until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a

pack mule

and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat

in case, this time, the screams from

the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,

such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets

and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and

coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings

for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,

an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a

half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for

the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and

janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,

so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because

of the assumption that college will help them

become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that

you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,

no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and

no stock options are offered;

this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,

and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

TAPE IT SHUT

2010-07-31T17:16:00.000-07:00

How did tape beat Spiderman out for being the best toy ever?

Tape. You know, the sticky stuff that you use to repair shoes or tie your kids up with. (Come on. Like you’ve never wanted to. We’ve all been there.)

My grandma was a big fan of tape – masking tape especially. She used it on everything including handmade embroidered pictures. You could count on the backing to be secured to the frame with masking tape. Because nothing says secure like masking tape. Gotta love grandmas.

But getting back to tape as a toy…

I have to hide all the tape in the house. Around here it’s a hot commodity being sold on the black market. When anyone in the huse they come looking for me in a dark corner.

Psst. You got some of that tape stuff.

Yeah. How much you want?

I need just enough to get me by.

Ok. Here’s an inch. Make good use out of it. I’m nearly out. Don’t tell anyone you saw me with it.

Thanks. Peace out.

You see, if I left the tape out (it doesn’t matter what kind it is – electrical, duct, masking, scotch, blue painter’s tape – it’s all the same to the kids), they would find something to do with it -- hang up a picture, wrap up a “present,” tape their mouths shut, tape their fingers together, or try to tape the cat to the wall (poor Cheeto). A simple roll of tape quickly becomes the drug – ahem, toy – of choice for the kids. Hours and hours of fun with tape.

I’m really surprised daycare centers don’t make use of these kinds of cheap “toys.” I feel sorry for Sydney when I see her playing every day with dolls or other boring toys either at school or when she's not a home. What? Where’s the tape?She needs tape! My baby needs to learn how to repair an old picture my grandma made me 20 years ago. Screw numbers and letters. This is real world stuff.

Ah, that’s all right. I’ll fix it myself.

Psst. You got any of that masking tape stuff? The kids found my stash.

DADISMS.....WE HAVE ALL HEARD THEM

2010-06-20T04:05:00.000-07:00

"You’re going to sit there until you eat your dinner. I don’t care if you sit there all night."

"Delayed obedience is disobedience. "

"When I say no, I mean no. Why? Because, that’s why."

"If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about."

"Two wrongs do not make a right."

"As long as you tried your hardest, that's all that matters."

"I’m spanking you because I love you. This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you."

"If I didn't hear it, you didn't say it! "

"Shape up or ship out."

"That’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face."

"We’ll do it the right way. My way."

"Don't ask me, ask your mother."

"This is your last warning. "

"Four things come not back: time past, the spoken word, the sped arrow and a missed opportunity. "

"You'll realize the value of money once you start earning. "

"Enough is enough! "

"Do what I say, not what I do."

"When I was your age.... "

IN YOUR FACE

2010-06-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Molly,

Hi. I’m not sure if you remember me, but this is your Face. The one that stares back at you in every mirror you pass. I thought I’d take the time to email you since you seem to spend more time in front of the computer than you do gazing at my reflection.

Just so you know, a little more mirror time would hurt anyone.

You may not have noticed, what with your shoddy grooming habits as of late, but currently your nose and chin has erupted with a rather epic breakout of zit-tastic proportions.

As your Face, I’m a little concerned about this since I’m the one bearing this shame.

I was hoping you’d take care of this little problem yourself, but obviously, I was wrong.

For the record, you need to keep your damn hands away from your chin. They aren’t helpful and what with your proclivity for playing outside. I’m not all that convinced your fingers are all that sanitary.

Ahem.

Quit picking your zits. You’re not a pubescent 14 year old, you ought to know better.

Molly, I want you to know I appreciate the general care and energy you’ve devoted to me, your Face. But I thought I’d point out, you aren’t getting any younger. I’m not really digging having matching pimples with your offspring. They can pull off that pimply look much better than you Molly. On you it looks pathetic.

So buck up and do something about this. Something other than picking at me, your Face, because that’s not helping anybody.

While I’ve got your attention I’d like to point out your eyebrows are out of freaking control and are starting to resemble small hedges. No one likes hedges on a woman’s face Molly. I know you have tweezers. Try using them. Or better yet, how about you take me to that beauty salon you used to frequent? I liked that place. They always treated me well.

And you have to do something about your chin. I don’t like the double chin you seemed to have acquired, but I could live with it. If it didn’t have those two long chin hairs. Seriously Molly. Bead them or pluck them but for Gawd’s sake, stop pretending they don’t exist. You aren’t fooling anyone.

You may want to examine the left side of your neck while you’ve got the tweezers in your hand too. I can’t confirm this, but I’ve heard rumours that your Neck has decided to plant a few long whiskers to add a little visual interest. Just so you know.

Since I’m being honest with you Molly, I may as well tell you about the crow’s feet you are now sporting. Don’t get mad at me woman, you are the one who spent your younger years walking around with out any sunscreen or hats. You aren’t giving me much to work with. So do us both a favour and try to remember to protect our skin a bit better. You aren’t getting any younger and I’m working overtime over here just to keep the hair on your upper lip under control. I could use all the extra help you can spare.

Consider this your final warning Molly.

More maintenance and less zit picking please. Or I’m going to have to go on strike after I let loose the dogs.

That’s right.

Adult Onset Acne. Wrinkles. LIVER SPOTS.

Oh ya. I totally would. I can play hard ball too, lady.

Sincerely,

Your Face.

I WILL NOT GO GENTLE INTO MY GOOD NIGHT

2010-06-06T04:43:00.000-07:00

I have made it no secret that I plan to be mildly difficult and candidly outspoken in my old age. And I plan to smile evilly as I do so, and giggle as I provoke the appropriate levels of exasperation in my loved ones. I have told my children to be prepared for it, and at times I even get in a little practice. (So far, the girls seem ok with it, everyone else...not so much.)

Well. I thought that just saying whatever I want and possibly bringing the occasional shock value to the conversation as I journey through my Golden Years would be fun. (And it will be. Oh yes.) I also thought that would be the extent of my mischief.

But then I read this article "4 Body Quirks, Solved." It's all about four inevitabilities of aging that many view as, well, not necessarily plusses. And I agree that three of the four are none too desirable. But the fourth one...oh, the fourth one:

Digestion typically slows with age, giving bacteria extra time to transform your meals into hydrogen and methane. The gas itself may not behave as discreetly as it once did, either; in an older person, it tends to build up in the lower colon before making a sometimes rapid and noisy escape, says Karen Hall, M.D., Ph.D., an associate professor of medicine at the University of Michigan who specializes in geriatrics and gastroenterology. "There isn't necessarily more gas," she says, "but there's a higher potential for embarrassment."

Notice the article doesn't say whose embarrassment.

Oooh! This is gonna be fun!

OMG....DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

2010-06-03T04:17:00.000-07:00

I have been kind of a stress case lately. Partly because I am NON-STOP. I makes list of things I have to get done in my head...and sign myself up for stuff and then panic because it's a lot to do. It's ridiculous, I know. Even worse, my panic manifests itself as verbally fretting to the passersby. I have heard that there is a common misunderstanding of what an extrovert is. Most people think extroverts are just outgoing people, but extroverts can actually be fairly shy (that is soooo not me though). The point is that they get their energy from being around people while introverts get their energy from their alone time. So introverts can be really outgoing too. Not that you don't all probably know that. But I didn't realize another thing about extroverts is that they process thought verbally. I knew I did, but I didn't know it was typical of a lot of people, of all extroverts. They, or I should say we, don't sit and think well; we have to talk through things. I know, this is exhausting, even for us. One source put it concisely, "Extroverts tend to think as they speak, unlike introverts who are far more likely to think before they speak. Extroverts often think better when they are talking. Concepts just don't seem real to them unless they can talk about them; reflecting on them isn't enough." So there ya have it, that is why I am so blog-y and phone-y and all around chatty. I am just thinking out loud. I would say feel free to tune me out, but unfortunately, you are part of the process. Man, how do I have any friends? Anyway, I have tried to spare the blog world from being passersby, but if you have been in my wake the last week and gotten an ear full of new job, kid kraze, pets pains, or whatever else I have been hemming and hawing over, I do apologize. But honestly, it's just kind of me, so take it or leave it. Although honestly, I wish I could leave it. It is the one thing about me that I have been picked on for for as long as I can remember. It is frustrating to feel that I exhaust people by just being myself. Not that most people aren't very kind- kind, but weary. The more I think it about it, the more I think most of my friends are introverted. I could be wrong. Give me a shout out if you're an extrovert.

911 MOMMY BREAK NEEDED

2010-05-31T05:25:00.000-07:00

Signs that it might be time to have a Mommy Break include but are not limited to:

Laughing inappropriately when your kids get hurt, hoping your partner trips on the wet towel he left on the floor, burgeoning rage when you see that someone moved your special spoon, sensation that there are a million swarming bees inside your brain all demanding more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Addressing "Mommy Stress" is most effective if you first diagnose which phase you are in.

PHASE 1. Tired, but Functioning

Here Mommy is still able to feign cheerfulness despite semi-serious sleep deprivation. For several nights running small people have woken her up needing things.

PHASE 2. Cranky

Here we see poor Mommy start to drop her basket a bit. Little outbursts here (“I said NO JELLY TOAST!”) and there (“Do I LOOK like I feel like having sex right now?!!!”) indicate that the fragile framework of sanity is slipping away. Poor Mommy.

PHASE 3. Final Lockdown Imminent

In this final most desperate phase, Mommy has fantasies of voluntary inpatient psychiatric care, or a long, long hospital stay possibly due to a terminal illness. Here Mommy’s fantasies often revolve around death (at least when you’re dead, you get uninterrupted sleep), young Latino lovers, and driving off and never returning.

If any of these stress phases sound familiar, it’s time to take action, lest you end up becoming consumed with guilt, find yourself home-schooling your children, teaching Pilates, and attending a class called How to Please a Man.

With these simple steps, you will soon find yourself refreshed, renewed, and ready to step back into that oatmeal pile on your kitchen floor. Hell, you might even feel up to cooking a healthy dinner.

Step 1. Make a Plan

Once you’ve determined your level of stress, you’ll need to formulate a plan. Pick a day and time in which Mommy Break will occur. If it needs to be RIGHT THIS SECOND GODDAMMIT (most common among Phase 3 Mommies), then leave your children in someone else's charge, and head to the nearest big deep bathtub. Light some candles, get yourself a big glass of wine, turn on your favorite music (if you can’t remember what that is, just go with Norah Jones), and put in some sweet smelling bath salts or bubbles. The key to true relaxation is to cut out all noise from the outer yelling fighting world. If you have to turn the music up, turn on the bathroom fan, and put in earplugs then do it.

If you have time to plan ahead, here are some great breaks for all budget sizes.

•Spa day on the cheap. Many spas allow you to pay a small fee to use their steam room, sauna, relaxation area. Or, you can get an inexpensive service like a brow wax to get you in the door.

•Walk and window shop. Also fun to do with a girlfriend. Walk around a downtown area and gaze at all the clothes, purses and shoes that would make you feel sexy, hot, and fun.

•Bookstore outing. If you haven’t laughed since they administered the epidural, head straight to the humor section of your nearest bookstore. Some of the writers are impossible to read without guffawing (try Dave Barry, for one).

•Girlfriend visit. This works best if you go to her. Arrange to visit a sweet old girlfriend and go out to dinner together in finery and heels.

•Hotel overnight. This is the crème de la crème of Mommy Breaks. Using Priceline.com, you can usually book a room at a 3 or 4 star hotel a few days in advance for well-below advertised rates. This is a chance to sleep all you want, have total quiet, read, rest, and recoup. You’ve earned it, sister!

Step 2. Set Ground Rules

Be specific about how long you will be gone. And stick to your schedule. If, two hours into your break, you’re convinced that your home is up in flames and your children are wandering the neighborhood in nothing but diapers, get a hold of yourself and take a deep breath. They will survive without you. Say it with me: “I need this break so I don’t go to a home.” There. Better now?

Step 3. Plan Your Next Break

Before you conclude your Mommy Break, make sure to identify another time within 10-14 days where a similar rest can be arranged.

And remember, a rested Mommy is a better Mommy.

FACEBOOK DEFENSE

2010-05-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

I've learned that there are two kinds of people in the world- people who use Facebook and people who don’t.

Oh alright, I suppose there’s probably also the people who don’t have computers but let’s just focus on the other two groups for now, shall we?

The thing I’ve noticed about people who don’t use Facebook is that not only do they NOT use Facebook, but they’re all high-and-mighty about it. I think they have a secret club with secret meetings where they get together and practice their anti-Facebook mantras, things like “I can’t imagine putting myself out there so everyone from my past can FIND me. All those people from like (shudder) high school? Ugh!”

or, “Did you know they keep your profile information up forEVER and you CAN’T EVER GET IT DOWN?”

or, “What a colossal waste of time. Seriously.”

or, “If I wanted to reconnect with someone I would CALL them. Honestly.”

To which I inevitably respond, “YOU CAN’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT!” and also, “How do you call them if you don’t have their phone number? Duh....”

(I’m the kind of people who USE Facebook, turns out)

And also, IT IS NOT A WASTE OF TIME!

For example, thanks to Facebook, you can now do things like set up a celebrity page for your dog and then get people to add themselves as FANS of your dog. And then you can send updates to your dog’s fans about what your dog is doing in a blow-by-blow reality TV sort of way. Eating ninja turtle! Ringing bell! Just got a haircut! Need to poop!

Another great thing about Facebook is that you can give a minute-by-minute account of everything you’re doing and broadcast these updates to all your friends, relatives, neighbors, ex-boyfriends and of course the ex-boyfriends of your ex-friends of ex-relatives. Eating toast! Sipping coffee! Oops spilled on my shirt! Need to poop!

Surely you’re beginning to see the appeal?

I was ouside with Barnabus the other day and we ran into this nice (but sort of crazy) lady who has a spaniel and while the dogs are grumping at each other she says to me, “Muffy’s on Facebook! Does Barnabus have a Facebook page? Muffy and Barnabus should connect!” and I knew we’d entered a whole new era. So I went home and set up a Facebook page for Barnabus. YES I DID.

This is what I do instead of blogging (since some of you have asked)

So I say to all you Facebook skeptics,

don’t be a hater!

if you can’t beat it (and, trust me, you CAN’T), join it!

and while you’re joining it, be sure to become a fan of Barnabus.

(he needs more fans)

and I need some serious help.

IMPROPER TOILET PAPER INSTALLATION

2010-04-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

When it comes to toilet paper, you fall firmly in one of two camps: you believe the paper should roll out over the roll, or you believe it should roll out under the roll. I am an OVER-the-roll person, and it drives me mad to see it roll out under. I have to resist every temptation to "fix" an under-the-roll when I'm in someone's house. (But I do, because that would just be rude.) I believe the fact that hotels install toilet paper in an over-the-roll fashion proves my camp is in the right. I do stop short of folding the end into a little triangle; or at least I do these days.

As I write this post, I realize I am opening myself up to all kinds of roll-switching by my friends, but what can you do. Just know that what comes around, goes around guys...

HOW AND WHEN DID I BECOME A STEREOTYPE??!!

2010-04-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

I don’t know how it happened but I woke up this morning and discovered I had morphed into my mother.

“How about some cereal with that sugar?”

“Get that hair out of your eyes!”

“I don’t care what the kids tell you at school, hair hanging in your eyes does not make you look cool.”

“You can’t live off junk alone GIRL.”

“I’m putting you on notice, if things don’t change I’m homeschooling you next year.”

“Homeschooling is not a prison sentence for kids. It’s an educational choice for concerned parents everywhere!”

“Keep it up with that attitude and you’ll find out what prison really is!”

“Tie your shoe laces, you’ll trip and hurt yourself.”

“Seriously, how old are you? How many times do I have to tell you not to chase your sibling around the house with scissors?”

“If you miss that school bus, I’m going to make you walk to school.”

“Don’t sit so close to the television. You’ll go blind.”

“Enough with the video games. You’ll rot your brain.”

“Don’t forget to bring your homework home!!!”

Excuse me now, while I go hunting for my cool factor. I seem to have lost it when I found my middle age.

THE MANY WAYS TO EAT AN OREO COOKIE!!!

2010-04-19T03:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I know this is a totally whacked out post but as I sit here thinking about eating oreos, I can’t help but wonder how many different ways there are to eat them. Kinda like Reeses peanut butter cups…oooh maybe that’ll be my next whacked out post. Haven’t you ever wondered?

So here are some of the ways to eat an Oreo and of course there is no wrong way. Oh and I totally came up with the names myself…aren’t I creative??!!

*The Twist and Lick Method:

■In this method of oreo eating, you twist the oreo until it comes apart and you are left with two cookies. You then proceed to lick all the filling off the one side it became attached to. Then you eat the cookie pieces.

*The Dip:

■With the Dip method, you simply dip your oreo cookie in some milk, quickly remove and eat.

*Dunk and Soak:

■The Dunk and Soak is different than the Dip wherein you dunk the oreo in the milk until the milk reaches just about your fingertips. Hold the oreo in the milk until the cookie becomes soft and almost mushy. This takes skill to get it just right before it breaks off into the milk. Pull out of milk and eat.

*Break and Chomp:

■In this method you break the cookie apart by twisting or pulling, whatever manner you choose. You then just eat the two separate pieces of cookie. No licking or dipping or dunking is required.

*Nibble and Munch:

■Nibble and Munch is similar to the Twist and Lick method. You twist the cookie until it comes apart, but instead of licking, you nibble the filling off the cookie. Once all filling has been removed, place the two cookies back together and eat.

*The Stack:

■Now this requires some tact. To create an Oreo stack, take 3 oreos (or as many as you’d like), twist them all apart. Take one side with filling on it and lay it filling side up on the plate. Carefully remove all the filling from all over cookies and place each filling slice on top of the one you have placed on your plate. When all filling is on, add a cookie half to the top. You have now created an Oreo stack that all your friends will be envious of.

Mmm…i bet your kinda hungry now huh? You probably didn’t know there were so many various ways to eat a deliciously cream filled Oreo cookie, did you?

So how do you eat an oreo? I’m a Dunk and Soak kinda gal!

This post is proof as to how exhausted I am from lack of sleep.

THE MOST DISTURBING BIRTHDAY CAKE EVER!!!!!!

2010-03-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

Great burrowing baby bottoms, Batman!

Wow. Here’s a cake you could never photograph from the backside, eh? (Get it, “backside”?) Seriously, let’s count the ways in which this cake is oh-so-wrong, shall we?

1) There is a baby butt on it

2) There is no corresponding baby head to the baby butt

3) To be in this position, the baby would have to be buried alive inside the cake (aw, what a cute concept!)

4) Two lucky individuals are going to get to play “These Little Piggies” with their mouths

5) Did I mention there is a baby butt on it?

I'D LIKE A MIDLIFE CRISIS SOON, PLEASE. WHILE I'M STILL YOUNG ENOUGH TO ENJOY IT

2010-03-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I am writing to inquire as to the status of my application for an Official Midlife Crisis. I believe I am deserved of such an event and have previously provided your staff with all of the documentation required, including but not limited to the following:

My birth certificate. Please excuse its crumpled condition as I became quite distraught while examining it, what with reliving my entire birth process and the eighties all over again. I’m not sure which event was more traumatic. While my birth year may look like a smudgy blob, rest assured that it does state 1970. Evidently, the salt from my tears had an adverse reaction to the typewriter ink they used way the hell back then. Also, please forgive my use of “hell” just now. It’s a compulsion, but you probably know that already since you equipped me with potty fingers. I just want to assure you that my use of such an expletive does not, in any way, suggest an affinity towards your nemesis.

Birth certificates of my two daughters. Please note that one is approaching the age where she will not only be getting boobies, but will start liking boys. Please note that the other one, while her birth certificate doesn’t explicitly state as such, is currently eight but going on thirty.

A security video of me having a moment in the middle of Food Lion when I discovered they were out of Ho Hos. In the event the audio is unintelligible, please note that I am hyperventilating in between shrieking OH NO, NOT MY HO HOS! NOT MY HO HOS! WHERE ARE MY HO HOS? WHO’S GOT ‘EM? I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER’S GRAVE I WILL KILL YOU, YOU SONS OF BITCHES. Transcript available upon request, together with an affidavit from my mother attesting to the fact that she is very much alive.

Excel spreadsheet of hormonal surges with accompanying pie chart indicating the severity of the surge and whether it resulted in a frenzied sobbing fit, a violent act of rage or a complete psychosis, together with a corresponding video captured by my youngest daughter of me blubbering hysterically at the preview for "Last Song".

PowerPoint presentation of the thermonuclear energy produced by my hot flashes, as well as an embossed thank you note from the Department of Energy.

An assortment of various MapQuest printouts of local tattoo parlors, pole dancing classes and skydiving facilities.

Surveillance video of me perusing skinny jeans, jackets with fringe and other completely inappropriate clothing at places such as Hot Topic where I have no business shopping.

Handful of tweets suggesting lustful thoughts of karate instructors twenty years my junior.

Copy of youngest daughter’s third grade math homework covered with corrections and bearing the advice “Sydney, please do not let your mom help you with your homework anymore” right next to a big sad frowny face.

It is my hope that the foregoing meets all your criteria for batshit crazy and that you approve my application for Official Midlife Crisis status as soon as possible, before perimenopause sucks my will to live. Should you need proof of purchase of a boob job/tummy tuck/Botox/complete overhaul, please advise as soon as possible as time is of the essence. The local plastic surgeon has a waiting list a mile long and I might not get in before full onset menopause at which point, I will be too busy shaving my face and drowning in boob sweat to enjoy a crisis of any other kind.

Thank you for any and all consideration.

Sincerely,

DESPERATE MOM!!!!

TOP 10 REASONS SKINNY WOMEN SHOULD SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT

2010-03-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

1. You sound like a moron. Men don’t care about the diameter of your whole, they only care about the diameter of your hole. And everybody knows that men like to watch women put things in their mouths.

2. You sound like a BORING moron. So your day is shot because you ate a Moon Pie instead of a Vitamuffin? RIVETING! Not.

3. We can hear you sounding like a boring moron. Fatties, despite popular opinion of the beautiful people, have working ears AND..hard to believe, but we can also READ!

4. You aren’t Oprah. You’re just a boring moron. Oprah said she felt like a fat cow after recent weight gain. We did not like that either. But Oprah has empowered millions of women and built charitable institutions. You, however, are just a boring moron.

5. No one likes a bully. OR a boring moron. You are one of those people who are certain that “fat people just need to get off their lazy asses and go to the gym.” Then you happily mock and abuse them once they get there. The math equation for this is: Boring + Moron + Bully = Asshole

6. Okay, so you go to the gym, we get it. What do you want, a medal? We would be really impressed with your health acumen and conditioning except everyone knows that skinny girls have more STD’s.

7. You’re confirming every shitty generalization men have ever made about women. Some boring moronic men said you are what you weigh and you said, “Hell, yeah! Pass me the scale and sign me up for the latest fad diet! Who needs to be interesting or have self esteem outside of their physical appearance, anyway?”

8. You’re part of the problem, not part of the solution. You woke up, looked in the mirror and said, “How can I both represent myself as a boring moron, AND contribute to the demoralization of all women kind?” And then you made it happen.

9. Anorexic Narcissists are SO last season. In the 90’s you could sit around in a coffee house and 7 of 8 of you would be anorexics. You would listen to the song C’est La Vie and discuss self induced barfing techniques. But it’s the new millennium now, honey. Now to be a boring self absorbed elitist you text message Facebook status updates about recycling dryer lint and becoming a Vegan. And you can shut up about that, too.

10. Men can think of other things to talk about, why can’t you? Skinny men don’t ask, “Do I look fat?” in 101 ways all day just so that others will assure them they’re attractive. They talk about politics or film or technical innovation or news. Stuff that makes them interesting and dimensional. Try it sometime. You might just like the good taste of it, and it’s calorie free.

WALMART DIARIES

2010-03-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

What joy. A trip to Wally World is always adventurous but today was a little more intense. I was in a fairly good mood but when I got into the Wal-Mart parking lot…all hell broke loose.

I try my best not to follow the car in front of me while looking for a parking space. Today was no different. I ran into a problem when I couldn’t find a parking space. I was attempting to ride around to the next row but I couldn’t. There were about 3 cars in front of me…waiting to get to the next row. I loss all sense of patience. We were all behind this van that simply refused to GO. What in the world was he waiting on??????????????????????????

So we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

After about 4 minutes (I’m not exaggerating) he finally decided to move but not before I laid on my horn for a good 30 seconds. I had to do it. I HAD TO! My kids scooted down in their seats. They were like…”MOM. MOM… DON’T DO THAT”. I had to tell them to shut up numerous times! When this idiot finally decided to move into the parking space he wanted, he couldn’t even park the dog gone car.

You have got to be kidding me.

I couldn’t get out to kick his ass so all I could do was laugh.

After this little episode was over I walked into Wal-Mart to purchase my stuff and while I was there I had to get stamps so I walked on over to their customer service counter and this is what I had to deal with.

There were three women behind the counter and only one of them was working.....SERIOUSLY????? Then there was this little bratty kid who was whining sooooo loud!

You may be thinking that the little cutie pie was getting on my nerves. No. No. No. Even though the mom should have stopped him from doing whatever it is he was trying to do, I focused my attention on the 3 ladies behind the desk.

Now, at this point I was the 3rd person in line and there were at least 5 people behind me. WHY COULDN’T they do WHATEVER THEY WERE DOING LATER??? Only 1 of those girls were helping someone. The other 2 were doing absolutely nothing important. One finally said after a lifetime of waiting (really only about 3 minutes) “I can help you”.

Wow. Just Wow.

I’m really a kind and patient mom of 2.

SOOO BUSY I CANT REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY!

2010-03-13T05:29:00.000-08:00

March is seriously kicking my bum. This is an incredibly busy (and stressful) month for me, where just about every day, something new gets added to the list of events or things to take care of.

On top of all the things I've got to stay on top of, March is sapping all my brain power and has at least started a little too emotionally intense than what I was prepared for. I mean that in the deeper way, wherein already a number of unpleasant things have occurred to make me sit and stew and feel, by turns, pissed and sad and worried and insecure, and, even if I've managed to deal with some of these feelings, to remain with certain thoughts in my head that I already know I will have to revisit later and quite possibly act on. Emotionally drained, I am.

What I hate about months like this is how, in a scramble to remember and do so much, I sometimes fail to enjoy any of it. When I look at the week's calendar and I see so much, all these words and instructions and responsibilities jumping out at me, my brain goes into "just survive it" mode, which isn't always a good thing. Like today, I have a mountain of paperwork to do and stuff around the house....and then there is the super active social calendars of my two adorable girls (did I just say adorable?)I can't see past that (and it's one crammed weekend as it is), because it's just too important to not focus on. But then right after that, I have a very tight schedule that I'll have to stick to, and the killjoy of that is already stressing me out.

And moreover, I'm exhausted. So very exhausted. I'd give anything for like 10 or 11 hours of sleep.

A warm bubble bath would also be magical right now. Though with my luck, I'll pass out in the tub and drown.

LIZZY THE LEZZY"S TAKE ON VAJAZZLING YOUR VAJ!!!!

2010-03-06T03:07:00.000-08:00

VAJAZZLE YOUR VAJ????!!!!!

2010-03-06T02:49:00.000-08:00

OMG!!! I just read this super duper funny article about the newest trend of VAJAZZLING YOUR VAJ!!! WTH???? Who in the world would want sparkly stuff on their STUFF??? We all know the coolest trend right now is what people think is the way cool brazialian wax. Ummmmm.....IT HURTS LIKE HELL is all I have to say about it! I am talking "coming off of the table" kind of HURT!!! Vanity can be so painful sometimes. So why do we do it??? WHO KNOWS!!!!!!!! But come on, putting sparkles on after your agonizing brazilian wax is whacked in my opinion!!! Just because the movie stars are doing it, does that mean everyone does it??

PAYBACKS ARE HELL!!!!

2010-03-04T03:42:00.000-08:00

Patience is not a virtue of mine, and it’s definitely not something that eminates from my soul in the mornings.

I’m usually not at my best before 8 a.m., especially on work and school mornings. Whitnie, God bless her, is somewhat OCD (I’m not sure where she got that personality trait) About getting ready for school and looking perfect and being not only on time, but early!!!!

One morning last week I was scrambling to get my sh*t together: rushing to brush my teeth, freaking out over the fact that I couldn’t find my car keys, and searching high and low for my purse

Whitnie was on me like a drill sergeant.

“Mommy let’s go…come on! COME ON Mommy we’re going to be late! Mommy you need to be more organized in the mornings!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” I groused. Sheesh kid, have some patience, I thought to myself.

And then it hit me like a cup of coffee you look forward to savoring that’s gone bitterly cold.

She sounded JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been remarkably more patient this week in the mornings.

2010-02-19T08:41:00.001-08:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

CRAP!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-28T05:51:00.000-08:00

WARNING: I'm having a "Crap" day.

You know, we all have those. I am in the middle of what could be the CRAPPIEST mood, in the CRAPPIEST weather, ever. My house is full of Crap. (Laundry piles everywhere, I'm sorting.) I just came home from taking my broken ankled daughter to school, and there were NO crapping parking spaces at that Crappy School. Even the tiny cookie I nibbled on afterwards tasted like Crap.

Daughter two had an asthma flare up and feels like Crap. I started writing last night, and stopped, because what I wrote was utter Crap. I have to get into my Crappy car and drive on the Crappy roads to get food for a soccer party because I'm a Crappy Procrastinator and I don't want to go. And my breakfast tasted like Crap, too, by the way.

So now, I feel like Crap. Oh, and My dog crapped all over the FLOOR!!!

What a Craptastic Day!!!!!!!!!!!!

TIME TO GET OUT THE OLD WHAT TO DO ON A CRAPPY DAY LIST!!!!!!!!!!

• Do Some Soul Searching

Reflexology has been proven to have an effect on our health. True enough by pressing a reflex point on our feet relieves tension. Knead both toes, massage the skin in between. To fight off fatigue-induced irritability; work on the ball of your feet below simply by arching your foot stimulating your adrenals.

• Pepper Mint Candy

The mint can act like an aromatherapeutic Prozac. The specific smell may alter the limbic system which is a part of your brain that handles with emotions. Mints helps you feel restored, cheerful, and revitalized.

• Clear up Your Space

There is a Feng Shui saying that if your desk is in disarray and as well as your spirit. You may feel worn out if you always see paper packed work station everyday. Manage these stacks of things to do put it out of your sight and put the paper works in file, and not in piles.

• Listen to Music

Music has been proven to have a good effect on the soul but not all of it. Listening to a cheerful tune can aggravate your already irritated mood. So better choose a music that is one step happier than you are.

• Have a Break

Take a break for at least 15 minutes and go to different scenery providing you a new sensation that will immediately pull you out of your grumpy mood.

• Lighten Up

Headaches can be triggered by harsh fluorescent light which messes up your mood. Change your desk lamp to a softer lighting and turn off over head lights to ease your brain pain. Also try to get out some natural sunlight everyday.

• Watch a Mental Movie

Watch movies that daydreams about blissful scenario such as brusque frisk with juicy Orlando Bloom or walk by the beautiful white sands of the Caribbean, this can boost your happy disposition. Close your eyes and let your mind aimlessly wander for at least ten minutes.

• Milk It

Warm milk can really be comforting, it may sound cliché but it does. When milk is heated, amino acid is then converted to a certain substance called the tryptophan enhancing serotonins in the brain making you feel happy and relaxed.

• Set the Dwell Deadline

Playing the horrifying event on your head over and over again will worsen your crankiness. So time your moping for at least 5 minutes, and then get over it. You can't do anything about it anyway. So why bother getting a headache.

• Grab a Quickie

All of us may know that SEX is an excellent stress repressor. So grab your man and shag a quickie. The reason behind it can be explained by a fast blood flow making your endorphins boost to an Oh Yeah Moment!

• Au Naturel

Put a picture of your partner and you at the beach or anywhere nature looking since staring at nature reduces stress and lowers your blood pressure.

• Shop Till You Drop

Buying off everything in sale every time you get a sucky day will make your wallet suffer in the long run, treat yourself once in a while instead. Buy yourself a little treat can actually give you an endorphin boost, letting yourself feel happier.

• Use Red

Wear something red for the days you need to feel-good about yourself since crimson color can amp your passion and enthusiasm. Specific shades do trigger different emotions in the brain. Like dressing up in powder blue colored clothes can calm you down.

• Mind Power Game

Mind games can be perfect remedy to a distressing day. Twister, Tetris, and solitaire force you to think out of the mental box, and expand your creativity.

• Sketch Away the Awful Day

Instead of dwelling on the bad day you have, it's better for you to draw your catastrophic day into an overstated and distorted caricature. Humoring yourself away from frustration.

BABY HIGH HEELS....WHAT'S NEXT!!!!!

2010-01-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

So what do you think about Heelarious baby pumps? Are they hilarious? Are they appalling? Do they sexualize baby girls? Or, are they just plain silly?

I personally would never spend nearly $40 on a novelty item like faux baby heels, but then I’m also not outraged by them. I am assuming that if anyone buys this product for their baby girl that they are surely buying them in jest, and not planning to turn out a little baby Heidi Fleiss on the playground. Two moms came up with the idea behind Heelarious and the website clearly promotes the fact that they are intended as a joke. They come in a cute purse-shaped bag, complete with a little baby bling rhinestone closure. I actually think that’s pretty darn clever.

In the mean time I’m just waiting for Flava Flav to release a line of pimp hats for baby boys or maybe a milk bong or pacifier roach clip. Baby temporary tattoos or a new line of thong Pull Ups could be next!!!!

I CAN "NEVER" SLEEP!!!

2009-12-17T03:32:00.000-08:00

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME, YOU ARE VERY MUCH AWARE OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING. WHICH PRETTY MUCH SUCKS! I GET SOOOOO BORED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHILE EVERYONE ELSE SLEEPS. IT IS SOOOO NOT FAIR. I USED TO SPEND COUNTLESS HOURS ON FACEBOOK, BUT SINCE I AM IN RECOVERY FROM THAT WHOLE ADDICTION THING, I HAVE HAD TO COME UP WITH OTHER THINGS TO OCCUPY MY TIME IN THE WEE HOURS. SO THIS IS WHAT I HAVE COME UP WITH SO FAR....YOU MIGHT WANNA TRY THEM IF YOU EVER HAVE INSOMNIA. SOME OF THEM ARE REALLY SUPER FUN:

1.) DRAW FACES ON YOUR FEET

2.) PLAY DANCE REVOLUTION IN YOUR UNDERWEAR...NO ONE IS AWAKE TO SEE HOW STUPID YOU LOOK!

3.) PAINT YOUR DOG'S TOE NAILS 8 DIFFERENT COLORS

4.) EXPERIMENT WITH DYING YOUR HAIR USING KOOL AID

5.) TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR FAMILY WHILE THEY'RE SLEEPING AND USE THEM LATER AS LEVERAGE TO GET WHAT YOU WANT

6.) SEW ONE LEG SHUT ON SEVERAL PAIR OF YOUR PARTNER'S UNDERWEAR SO NEXT TIME THEY TRY TO PUT THEM ON AND ARE BALANCING ON ONE FOOT, YOU CAN ENJOY THE HUMOR OF THEM FALLING OVER

7.) CLEAN OUT YOUR HAIRBRUSH AND USE THE HAIR TO TICKLE THE NOSES OF YOUR SLEEPING FAMILY MEMBERS

8.) CALL UP THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK AND KEEP THEM ON THE PHONE FOR AN HOUR ASKING QUESTION AFTER QUESTION ABOUT ONE CERTAIN ITEM AND THEN DECIDE NOT TO BUY IT

9.) DO GOOGLE SEARCHES AND BACKGROUND CHECKS ON EVERYONE YOU KNOW...( see, everyone does have their own dirty laundry..hehehe)

10.) SEND TEXTS TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS TO SEE IF THEY ARE AWAKE THAT WAY THEY CAN BE WIDE AWAKE WITH YOU (not being able to sleep can get lonely)

11.) HAVE HEART TO HEART CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR PETS

12.) GO TO THE ALL NIGHT GROCERY OR WAFFLE HOUSE AND PEOPLE WATCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TO SEE WHO IS OUT WANDERING ABOUT IN THE NIGHT.....OH WAIT, THAT WOULD BE ME!!!

13.) SEE HOW MUCH ICE CREAM YOU CAN EAT UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR GONNA PUKE

14.) MAKE YOUR OWN MUSIC VIDEO AND PUT IT ON YOU TUBE

15.) SEE HOW LOUD YOU CAN TURN UP THE MUSIC BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE WILL WAKE UP

CHOOSY MOM'S CHOOSE JIF!!!!!!

2009-12-14T03:54:00.000-08:00

....AND THE MYSTERY OF JIF PEANUT BUTTER LIVES ON!!!! ONLY MY VERY BEST FRIENDS KNOW THE SECRETS AND HUMOR BEHIND JIF PEANUT BUTTER. WOULDNT YOU ALL LIKE TO JOIN THIS SECRET CLUB???? HMMMMMMM....LET ME THINK.......UMMMMMM "NO", I DONT THINK SO!!!! LOVE YOU ALL THOUGH <3

HI, MY NAME IS MOLLY AND I'M A FACEBOOKAHOLIC!!!!!

2009-12-14T03:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, I admit it, I have been one of those annoying people who probably spent far too much time posting pics and video to Facebook; but hey, my family lives in Ohio and I am in North Carolina, and I have friends all over the world that I want to share my life with through satus updates and photos.

So, I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of hours on my Facebook page – eagerly awaiting the comments. So I stop and wonder how all of this got started!!!! OMG...what happened??? So, let's start from the beginning....... Let me know if this sounds oh, so familiar...hehehehehehe

So you caved in and now you have a facebook account, and wonder why people and all your friends rave about it, but in no time you will become addicted to the site. Here are the signs:

1.)Now that you have the account,you realize in no time that you need to log in several times a day to see what is going on with your friends, and if you can't log on you get frustrated.

2.)The site feeds that tell you everything on what your friends are doing, does not annoy you anymore and you have a need to check it out.

3.)You keep changing your status because you want your friends to know what you are doing, be it having coffee for breakfast , being sick or if you are ready to go out.

4.)You upload any picture you can get a hold of and tag everyone in it, even if they are old childhood picture and you or your friends are wearing orange polka dot pants and a red striped shirt.

5.) You are convinced that since you have 300 Facebook friends (even though you know personally only 30) you have a great social life.

6.) You join all the groups possible to feel active on the site.

7.) The applications do not annoy you anymore and you accept all of them and take all the silly quizzes.

Everyone loves Facebook. In fact, some people just sit on it all day long, commenting away. What losers, right? Wait, that's ME!!! Ok, so it's addictive, and once you have more than 50 friends, it's ever so easy to get caught up in everyone's status updates, photos, and foolish quiz results. And that's not even including interactive games - getting involved in "Farmville", "Farmtown" or "Mafia Wars" can plant someone's rump on a couch longer than a Lost 5 season marathon. Yes, it's extremely easy to get addicted to Facebook, but follow these steps and no one will know you are!

STEP 1
Make sure your chat status is "offline" most of the time. In the bottom right corner is a box you can click to chat with people who are online at that moment. If you open it, you can change your status to offline. You can still view your friends' walls, picture albums, and info ad infinitum, and no one will know! You are completely stealth...until you start posting, and then people will start to wonder.

STEP 2
Avoid updating your status more than one time per day. In fact, even once a day is too much. You won't look cool, and you won't seem interesting if you post every little thing you do. You'll just look sad and desperate for attention, like you have no life. Your friends will probably get so sick of your status updates, they may block all of your future postings from view.

STEP 3
Wait to respond to your friends' status updates. If you constantly respond within a few minutes of your friends posting, it will appear that you are squatting on Facebook, just waiting to pounce on someone's page, or anything that pops up really. How terribly sad! Plus, you will begin to look like a stalker. If every time Lori posts, you "like" it, Lori is certainly going to start wondering about you...

STEP 4
As you peruse your friends' photo albums on Facebook, restrict your comments to only one or two pictures. Of course you want to be nice, and let your friends know how much you like their photos (Nobody wants crickets! Most people post to get comments.) However, only allow yourself to comment on two pictures. If you comment too much, it will appear as though you've been scrutinizing the album all day long. Hello, is that all you have to do?

STEP5
Limit your own Facebook photo albums to 5 or 6 pics. Do your friends really need to see 56 pictures of a bridge in Missouri? Come on. We all know it takes some time to upload photos on Facebook, so if you have a million, it's obvious you've been on Facebook a lengthy amount of time and that's what you want to hide! Refrain from posting photos too often, as well. Limit yourself to every few weeks. Then Facebook friends will be interested in your pictures, and you'll avoid "Oh terrific, MORE photos of Lisa's kids..." being said behind your back.

STEP6
Stop changing your profile pic every day! Only tweens do that...or blatant attention seekers.

STEP7
Rarely take part in any Facebook application. You can take a quiz once in a while just to see what your hillbilly name is, or which Golden Girl you are, but if you do, make sure to click "skip" after your get your results. That way, it won't be published on your wall for all to see. Those who also take the quiz will still be able to see that you did, too, but that's not as bad since you're both guilty.

STEP 8
Skip the interactive games entirely. No Mafia Wars, Hammer Fall, Castle Age, Sorority Life, Farmville, Texas Hold 'Em, Hatchlings, Glamour Age, Vampire Wars, or (God forbid) Farkle! Nothing! These games will hijack your existence, and make you look most desperate of all. Besides, do you really have to time to play these games night and day? If you said yes, play them on another site - not Facebook! When Andy gets your fiftieth posting saying "Elaine needs an untraceable cell phone" in Mafia Wars, he's going to delete you!

STEP 9
Let friends add YOU on Facebook, don't go looking for them. Even when you see somebody you desperately want to add, don't do it. Instead, casually make a comment under one of his/hers so you can put it out there that you are on Facebook too, then wait. If the person wants you as a friend, he/she will add you. You'll seem less needy this way. And if someone does decide to add you, don't jump the gun and accept right away. Let it sit a while.

Tips & Warnings

Allow your Facebook inbox to fill up. You don't have to answer every email right away..Ignore most requests...especially friend requests from people you don't know..Following these steps will get you admiration..

I have now been off of FACEBOOK for a few weeks!!! At first I had major withdrawls!!!! The urge to just log on ONE time almost took over!!! Whew...I am sooo glad that was over quick. I now have moderation in my life and I HAVE A LIFE :)))

MAKING FACES IN THE MIRROR IS SOOOO FUN!!!!!

2009-12-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO COMPLETELY BORED SITTING AT HOME WITH NOTHING TO DO? I VERY RARELY HAVE THAT HAPPEN, BUT SINCE BOTH OF MY NON-STOP CHILDREN ARE OUT OF TOWN FOR THE NEXT FOUR DAYS, I HAVE ENTERED "BORED SITTING AROUND PICKING YOUR NOSE" MODE!!! I AM SURE THERE ARE LOTS OF THINGS I CAN DO...BUT DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE DONG THEM. I MEAN, COME ON, WHO REALLY FEELS LIKE CLEANING??? I HATE TO COOK, SO TRYING OUT NEW RECIPES IS COMPLETELY OUT OF THE QUESTION! SO A DOMESTIC I AM NOT...NOT A GOOD QUALITY TO HAVE AS A WIFE AND MOM. NOT ANYTHING I AM WILLING TO CHANGE EITHER!!!

I DID TRY TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO DIFFERENT THINGS IN THE MICROWAVE FOR AWHILE. DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU SHOULD ONLY LEAVE MARSHMELLOWS IN THE NUKE FOR JUST A FEW BRIEF SECONDS UNLESS YOU WANT SOME BROWNISH BLACK HARD STUFF THAT LEADS TO THROWING AWAY WHATEVER DISH YOU PUT IT ON? OH AND LETS NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT GUMMY WORMS. THEY TOTALLY MELT AND THEN TURN HARD IF NOT EATEN RIGHT AWAY. I DID HAVE SUCCESS WITH A CHOCOLATE BAR THOUGH.....YUMMY OVER ICE CREAM WITHOUT HAVING TO PURCHASE THE SYRUP AND NUTS SEPARATE. ~SIGH~ BUT THE MICROWAVE ADVENTURE WAS SHORT-LIVED. BACK TO AGONIZING BOREDOM I WENT.

I THOUGHT ABOUT ORGANIZING MY SOCKS....NOT!!!!! THEN FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, I THOUGHT ABOUT ATTACKING THE PINESTRAW THAT HAS TAKEN OVER MY YARD, BUT THANK GOD ONLY FOR A BRIEF MOMENT! WHEW, SO GLAD THAT THOUGHT PASSED THROUGH MY HEAD QUICKLY. I GUESS I COULD'VE UNPACKED FROM MY BRIEF TRIP TO OHIO....BUT THE SUITCASES SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BEDROOM FLOOR APPEAR MORE COMFORTING RIGHT NOW THAN THE PILE OF DIRTY LAUNDRY THAT WOULD TRANSPIRE ONCE THEIR UNPACKED. SOOOOOO....THERE THEY SIT!

THEN, I FINALLY I GOT THIS FANTABULOUS IDEA THAT I FOUND TO BE SOOOOOO FUN!! I DECIDED TO PRACTICE MAKING FACES IN THE MIRROR!!! I KNOW, IT SOUNDS INCREDIBLY STUPID AND SILLY, BUT WOW WAS IT ENJOYABLE. I KNOW WE ALL USED TO DO IT WHEN WE WERE KIDS. WASN'T IT SO MUCH FUN THEN? WHY DID WE STOP?

I STARTED WITH FISH LIPS. I AM SO EXCITED THAT I CAN MAKE FISH LIPS MORE THAN 20 DIFFERENT WAYS. IT TAKES GREAT TALENT TO SEE HOW FAR YOU CAN SUCK YOUR CHEEKS IN AND PUCKER AT THE SAME TIME. THEN I GOT REALLY CREATIVE AND PROUD OF MYSELF FINDING THAT I COULD SUCK IN MY CHEEKS, PUCKER MY LIPS AND MOVE MY LIPS ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! YAAAAAYYY ME :)

AFTER MASTERING THE WHOLE FISHLIP THING, I WENT ON TO SEE HOW MANY WAYS I COULD MAKE MY MOUTH GO CROOKED AND SIDEWAYS, ETC. TO THE RIGHT WITH MY MOUTH CLOSED, TO THE RIGHT WITH THE SNARL, THEN TO THE LEFT DOING THE SAME THING...HEHE. I ALSO MANGED TO COME UP WITH OVER 50 WAYS TO SMILE BOTH WITH MY TEETH SHOWING AND WITHOUT. MY EYEBROWS WITH MY SMILES THEN BECAME A NEW FASCINATION IN MY DOUBLE BATHROOM MIRROR. MY FAVORITE WAS GRUMPY EYEBROWS WITH A CHEEZY TEETH SMILE. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER ACTUALLY USE THAT EXPRESSION IN PUBLIC UNLESS I WANTED TO BE COMMITTED OR SOMETHING.

THE MOST FUN I HAD MAKING FUNNY FACES IN THE MIRROR WAS MY NOSE EXPERIMENTS! I GUESS I NEVER REALIZED HOW MANY OF US USE OUR NOSES IN OUR EVERYDAY EXPRESSIONS...OR MAYBE THIS IS JUST SOME ODD THING THAT ONLY I DO. I LEARNED HOW TO WIGGLE MY NOSE INDEPENDENTLY. I FOUND THAT I CAN WIGGLE MY ENTIRE NOSE AND ALSO JUST WIGGLE MY NOSTRILS IN A FLARING-LIKE MANNER.
IMAGINE A HUMAN NOSE WIGGLING LIKE A RABBIT. ITS VERY AMUSING. I ALSO PRACTICED FOR A LONG TIME TOUCHING MY NOSE WITH MY TONGUE. THIS WAS A "SIGHT" TO SEE IN THE MIRROR. YOU SHOULD TRY IT. I LAUGHED SO HARD AT MYSELF I ABOUT PEED.

SO, IF YOUR ARE EVER EXTREMELY AND INCREDIBLY BORED OUT OF YOUR MIND, MAKING FACES IN THE MIRROR IS ONE THING YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY TRY. YOU NOT ONLY LEARN HOW TO MAKE NEW EXPRESSIONS THAT COULD MAKE GREAT CONVERSATION, BUT IT ALSO CAN GET YOU OUT OF ANY FUNK AND RELIEVE BOREDOM, WHILE ALSO MAKING YOU LAUGH TIL YOU PEE----SO THE BATHROOM MIRROR IS PROBABLY THE BEST PLACE TO DO THIS!!!

TEAMBUILDING WORKSHOP SHOULD NOT INCLUDE A ROPES OBSTACLE COURSE!!!!!

2009-12-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

IMAGINE FINDING OUT THE NIGHT BEFORE YOUR TEAMBUILDING WORKSHOP THAT IT IS NOT REALLY A WORKSHOP, BUT A DISCOVER OUTDOORS ROPES AND OBSTACLE COURSE!!! NOW TELL ME HOW THAT RELATES TO WORKING WITH CHILDREN AND DOING CHILD AND FAMILY COUNSELING??!!

AS I AM SITTING THERE READING ABOUT THIS EXPERIENCE I AM ABOUT TO ENCOUNTER THE NEXT MORNING, ALL WHILE USING EXCESSIVE PROFANITY UNDER MY BREATH, CHRIS COMES OVER FROM ACROSS THE ROOM WITH A HUMOROUS FORM FOR ME TO SIGN STATING THAT I WILL LEAVE ALL OF MY POSSESSIONS TO HIM!! GENTLEMEN, IF YOU EVER WANT TO AVOID BEING VIOLENTLY SMACKED UPSIDE THE HEAD DON'T EVER DO THAT! IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THAT I HAD TO SIGN A STACK OF FORMS FOR THIS SO CALLED "WORKSHOP" RELIEVING ANY AND ALL LIABILITY OF INJURY BY TAKING PART IN THIS TEAMBUILDING CRAP. I DIDNT NEED SOMEONE TO JOKINGLY REMIND ME THAT I WAS GOING TO EXPERIENCE ROPES AND BEAMS AND OBSTACLE COURSES 35 FEET OFF OF THE GROUND, WHICH MAY CAUSE PAIN AND INJURY.

BEING THE FABULOUS TEAM PLAYER I TRY TO BE, I WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING READY TO CONQUER WHATEVER ( YEAH RIGHT). MAKING SURE I GO OUT IN STYLE, I PUT ON MY ADIDAS WARM UPS AND SPORTY NIKES. THE ENTIRE 2 HOUR DRIVE TO MY "WORKSHOP", I TRY TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT MAYBE IT WON'T BE SO BAD.  I MEAN SERIOUSLY, MY SUPERVISOR IS A GRANDMA AND SHE WILL BE THERE.

WELL ANYWAY, I ARRIVE JUST IN TTIME FOR THE RAIN TO REALLY START COMING DOWN! I LOOK AROUND AT 25 OF MY COWORKERS WONDERING IF THEY WANT TO RUN AND HIDE LIKE I DO.   JUST THEN 4 VERY ATHLETIC AMAZONS ARRIVE AND INTRODUCE THEMSELVES AND ASK ALL OF US IF WE ARE READY FOR A FUN DAY!! WHO WERE THEY KIDDING?? I COULDN'T IMAGINE ANYTHING FUN ABOUT SWINGING FROM ROPES AND WALKING ACROSS BEAMS SO FARAWAY FROM THE GROUND. THATS WHEN THE NIGHTMARE BEGAN!!

WE WERE DIVIDED UP INTO TEAMS AND INSTRUCTED TO DO DIFFERENT ACTIVITIES INVOLVING THIS ELABORATE ARMY-LIKE OBSATCLE COURSE. AT THIS POINT, THE RAIN WAS COMING DOWN EVEN HARDER...AND WE ALL KNOW THAT WITH RAIN, COMES MUD!! I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER SEE MYSELF RUNNING THROUGH TIRES, CLIMBING WALLS, SWINGING FROM ROPES AND BALANCING FOR MY LIFE AS I SLOWLY SCOOTED ACROSS BEAMS. HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MANY TIMES I SLIPPED AND FELL IN THE MUD??!! I THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT THAT I MIGHT HAVE TO HAVE MUD SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM THE INSIDES OF MY EARS AND NOSTRILS. I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD IT IN ME TO SWEAR SO MUCH IN ONE DAY.  I KEPT ASKING MYSELF OVER AND OVER HOW THIS SO CALLED "FUN" WORKSHOP COULD ACTUALLY HELP ME WITH TEAM BUILDING AND ENHANCE MY CHILD AND FAMILY THERAPY SKILLS? FINALLY, BY THE END OF THE DAY, EVERY PART OF MY BODY ACHED AND WAS MORE THAN SOGGY FROM THE CONSTANT DOWNPOUR THAT DECIDED TO MAKE MY DAY SO MUCH MORE SPECIAL. LET ME JUST ADD THAT IF YOU EVER DECIDE TO SPEND A DAY IN THE RAIN RUNNING OBSTACLE COURSES, DON'T WEAR PANTIES!!! THEY WILL FIND THE ABILITY TO TRAVEL TO PLACES ON OUR BODY THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED.

BY THE END OF THE DAY, I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD I NO LONGER HAD THE ABILITY TO STAND UP. I FOUND MYSELF BECOMING BEST FRIENDS WITH THE MUD PUDDLES. THEY ACTUALLY GET WARM AND COMFORTING AFTER AWHILE. MAYBE I DIDN'T TOTALLY LEARN TEAM BUILDING, BUT I DID LEARN TO LAUGH AT THE FACT THAT I REALLY DO SUCK AT ROPES AND OBSTACLE COURSES....ESPECIALLY IN THE RAIN!!

PETS ARE PESTS....BUT GOTTA LOVE EM

2009-11-30T11:28:00.000-08:00

I GUESS PART OF THE "AMERICAN DREAM" NOT ONLY INVOLVES BEAUTIFUL BUNDLES OF JOY, BUT PETS SEEM TO ALSO COME INTO THE EQUATION. A DOG AND A CAT HOLD THE STEREOTYPE OF COMPLETEING THE HOME SO TO SPEAK. NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT THE ADDITION OF A DOG AND A CAT INVOLVED EVEN MORE NON STOP WORK FOR "MOM"!!!! wE ALL WANT TO GIVE OUR CHILDREN EVERYTHING WE CAN, SO WHEN THEY SAY, "MOMMY, I WANT A PUPPY", OR "MOMMY, I WANT A KITTEN", WE RARELY THINK ABOUT THE SMELL, THE MESS AND THE FACT THAT YOUR CHILDREN WILL LOOSE COMPLETE INTEREST AFTER A WEEK AND THERE YOU ARE LEFT CLEANING UP AFTER ANIMALS TIL WHENEVER!!!

EVERYBODY WANTS A PET BUT NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF THEM. WE HAVE AN ADORABLE WHITE ENGLISH BULLDOG NAMED BARNABUS WHO WADDLES, AND SNORTS AND SLOBBERS. AND THAT IS ONLY THE START OF IT. HE SNORES LOUDER THAN ANY TELEVISION IN OUR HOUSE. OH AND LETS NOT MENTION THE GASEOUS ODORS THAT HE KEEPS COOPED UP INSIDE THAT CUTE LITTLE TUMMY OF HIS THAT SEEM ONLY TO SEEP OUT WHEN ONE IS COMPLETELY UNPREPARED! I HAVE CONSIDERED INVESTING IN A SUPPLY OF HEAVY DUTY GAS MASKS. THATS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP FROM FALLING OVER FROM PURE DISGUST OR HAVING YOUR EYES WATER TIL YOUR CONTACT LENSES ARE TEMPTED TO FALL OUT DUE TO THE WATERFALL OF "EWWWWW" TEARS. THE WHOLE GOING POTTY THING WITH BARNABUS IS WORSE THAN ANY CHILD I HAVE EVER SEEN. IMAGINE STANDING OUT IN THE POURING RAIN YELLING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, "GO POTTY"...AND HAVING A FAT WADDLING BULLDOG LOOK AT YOU LIKE HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT YOUR ASKING HIM TO DO AND WHERE! MY GOODNESS, HOW MANY PETS HAVE TO BE TOLD TO DO THEIR THING AND REFUSE TO UNLESS INSTRUCTED??? HE ALWAYS SEEMS TO HAVE THE URGE AT 2, 3, AND 4 AM IN THE MORNING. THE 2 AM CALL ONLY SEEMS TO BREAK THE SEAL!!! THE EXCURSION OUTSIDE CONTINUES REPEATEDLY UNTIL 7 OR 8 AM UNTIL HE HAS GONE OUT AT LEAST 8-10 TIMES DURING THAT TIME FRAME.

THE FOOD ISSUE GETS EVEN BETTER! EVEN THOUGH BARNABUS HAS A NICE BIG CERAMIC FOOD BOWL, HE INSISTS ON PICKING UP PIECES OF DOG FOOD AND PLACING IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND THEN LEAVES IT THERE FOR ANYONE WALKING BY IN THEIR COLD BAREFEET TO STEP ON! NOTHING LIKE GETTING SOGGY DOG FOOD STUCK TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FEET AT 3 IN THE MORNING! AAAAHHH, BUT A DOG IS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT???

THEN, OF COURSE, THERE IS MY 15 YEAR OLD CAT "LEON". HE RUNS THE HOUSE AND HE KNOWS IT. HE SLEEPS WHERE EVER AND REFUSES TO MOVE, EVEN IF ITS IN FRONT OF YOUR CLOSET DOOR THAT YOU NEED TO GET INTO BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY GET DRESSED! IMAGINE THAT!!! HOW DARE ANYONE INTERRUPT HIS SLEEP. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THE FIRST THING I DO IN THE MORNING IS PEE AND THEN MAKE COFFEE. WELL, WITH LEON YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO DO THIS, OR IF YOU DO HE WILL FOLLOW YOU AROUND WHILE YOU ARE BARELY AWAKE AND MEOW HOWL UNTIL YOU FEED HIM!! IF YOU IGNORE HIM, HE WILL GET RIGHT UNDER YOUR FEET SO YOU TRIP OVER HIM AND FALL ON YOUR BUTT ALL WHILE YOU ARE NOT FULLY AWAKE AND IN SUPER DUPER GRUMPY MORNING MODE. THEN OF COURSE, THERE'S TOILET PAPER SHREDDING, HACKING UP HAIRBALLS AND THE MESSY STINKY LITTERBOX THAT HE REFUSES TO USE TWICE IN A ROW IF IT HASN'T BEEN CLEANED PROPERLY AND COMPLETELY FROM THE LAST MOMENT OF RELIEF!

REMEMBER....PETS "MAKE" THE AMERICAN FAMILY. WE ALL HAVE THEM...WE ALL LOVE THEM...WE ALL DEAL WITH THEM. WHY I AM NOT SURE!

WE ALL GROW UP SOMETIME...JUST SOME LATER THAN OTHERS

2009-11-29T09:35:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=as3UlEsvwXo

AFTER THANSGIVING WIND DOWN...BUT HERE COMES CHRISTMAS!!!

2009-11-29T06:02:00.000-08:00

WOW, WHAT A WEEK!!!! COOKING, CLEANING AND CONSTANTLY HAVING STORE ADDS SHOVED IN FRONT OF MY FACE FOLLOWED BY THE STATEMENT.."LOOK AT THIS MOM!" DOES A MOM EVER GET TO SLOW DOWN I WONDER??!! I THINK I MADE 4 TRIPS TO THE GROCERY THIS WEEK FOR THANKSGIVING BECAUSE NONONE ELSE SEEMS CAPABLE...HMMMMM I MUST BE THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES MESSES IN THE LIVING ROOM, PINESTRAW ALL OVER THE YARD AND THE GRAFITTI STILL LINGERING ON MY SOCCER MOM VAN WINDOWS FROM THE LAST SOCCER GAME 3 WEEKS AGO!!!

THIS NEW LIFE IN NORTH CAROLINA WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FABULOUS!!!! NOW WITHOUT FRIENDS OR FAMILY CLOSE BY IT'S EVEN MORE OVERWHELMING THAN OHIO, WHICH IS THE ARMPIT OF AMERICA BY THE WAY! I NOW WORK FROM HOME AND BECAUSE OF THIS MY FABULOUS, BEAUTIFUL FAMILY HAS DECIDED THAT SINCE MOM IS HOME MOM DOES MORE! MY ONLY ESCAPE SEEMS TO BE THE POTTY...OH WAIT MY BIG FAT ENGLISH BULLDOG, BARNABUS FINDS ME IN THERE TOO.

MY AGENDA TODAY....CLEAN HOUSE, DO YARD WORK AND PUT UP CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS. OH AND LETS NOT FORGET GOING TO GRANDMA AND GRANDPA'S HOUSE FOR SUNDAY DINNER AND OF COURSE THE MOVIE "NEW MOON" HAS COME OUT AND ONLY NERDS AREN'T GOIN TO GO SEE IT....SO WE NEED TO DO THAT TOO!!! NO NERDS IN THIS HOUSE.

MOLLY MISS BUSY!!!!!!!!

2009-11-29T05:48:00.000-08:00

MOLLY MISS BUSY!!!!!!!!